Spring Break, Day 4

We ventured forth once again, driving all the way to Snoqualmie for what promised to be the party of the century. We were not disappointed, although it got a bit dicey and the boys had to be reined in.
Me: Hey, Sam, you need to leave your penis alone. We are at someone's house and we don't do that.
Sam: Well, I just like to push it back and forth with the pockets.
Me: Uh-hunh.

After an entire day of drunken revelry, the friends were coming unglued.  They lacked self-control and could no longer read the room.
Sam: (to me, yelling) Are you going to play Candyland or what? I am so bored waiting for you!
Me: (through gritted teeth) Do you see all the vegetables I am putting away and all the cooking I am doing? I am doing my Kitchen Work. I am not a Shape-o-bot! I can't do it all at one time.
Sam: It's a Help-o-bot, not a Shape-o-bot. It did three things at one time.

Before bedtime, things just got weird.
Sam: (lying on the floor behind my chair) Don't look at me yet.
Me: (turning around) Oh no! Sam! He's dead! This is terrible! Dead, dead, dead!
Sam: (eyes closed) Can you throw me in the garbage?
Me: I'm tired. Not tonight.
Sam: Maybe I'll just drag myself to the garbage and you can throw me in.
Teddy: Trip over me! I'm dead too!

But they woke up rueful and mawkish.
Teddy: (to me) You're my best friend.
Me: Aw, you're my best friend.
Teddy: NO! You're MY best friend!

Sam: Oh, Mommy, I love you. You do so much for us and are so nice. Thank you.
Me: That makes me feel good. Thank you.
Sam: Are you going to cry? Sometimes people cry because things are so sweet.

Spring Break Day 3

When I know I will have both kids at home for a week, I like to plan activities. I prefer to get out of the house in the morning, come back for lunch and Teddy's nap, then do something in the neighborhood or in the house during the afternoon.

Day 1 was tide pools and park in the morning and the elementary school playground in the afternoon. Day 2 was supposed to be Teddy's Little Gym class (Sam plugged into iPad) and the store in the morning and the backyard in the afternoon, but the kids (and I) were all grouchy, so we only went to the store in the morning and then yelled at one another in the afternoon. Oh yeah, there was pushing too - that was fun. Day 3 was supposed to be the aquarium in the morning and art projects in the afternoon.  The boys LOVE the aquarium. I think Teddy asks to go to the aquarium every single day - it's either that or "a journey." (As in, "Mommy, can we go on a journey?")

8:00am
Me: (to Sam) You should get dressed and brush your teeth now so that we are all ready to go to the aquarium! I'm packing the sn....
Sam: I don't want to go to the aquarium.
Me: What? Why not?
Sam: It's raining. I like to go when it's sunny.
Me: But, we often go when it's raining. The aquarium is inside. It doesn't matter if it's raining. It is good that it's raining.
Sam: I just don't want to go.
Me: (interior monologue) What is it with children this age and the word "just"? Like that explains or excuses anything! I just poked my brother's eye out with a stick! It was just an accident! (aloud, trying not to sound shrill and desperate) But, what will we do here all day?

This is when I started to feel optimistic. I have an arsenal of activities. We could easily take up the whole day with art projects and a couple of TV shows. No problem. This will be great.

10:00am. I realize that I have looked at the clock a million times during the previous 15 minutes. I realize that I have forgotten all I know about children and activities, namely, that they will work for three minutes on something you thought would take an hour. After breakfast and getting dressed, we have already colored, painted, played with Legos, and rejected several of my suggested activities. I am in the weeds and the kids' voices are sounding SO LOUD and SO ANNOYING. And I realize that I have yawned, like, a million times in the past five seconds. HOW IS IT ONLY 10AM?????

Me: Who wants a snack?

...

5:00pm. After breaking up the 17th brother brawl today, I plug each into his own screen so I can make dinner. Then I pour myself some vodka and soda on ice, but it's missing something. Hmmmmm ... some blood orange sorbet? This actually makes it into my drink and I merrily make dinner!

6:00pm. Over dinner.
Teddy: (to me) You're my best friend.
Me: Thanks, you're my best friend too.
Teddy: Let me see your chompers.
Me: (bearing teeth) Eeeeeee.
Teddy: Those are beautiful.
Sam: I see a cavity.
Me: Those are fillings.
Sam: (to me) Can you cry and get angry?
Me: (fake wailing) Awwwwwww! I made this bread from scratch and no one says 'thank you'!!!!!! Awwwwwwwww! No one appreciates meeeeeeee!!!!
Teddy and Sam: (in unison) Thank you, Mommy, for this bread and spaghetti.
Me: Oh, you are welcome.
Teddy: Can I have another fluffy one?
Me: First, you have to pick up the crusts you threw on the floor.
Teddy: I make a pile!

Spring Break!

My drunk friends are on spring break. You know what that means! Lots of drinking, carousing, and running naked. We're actually on Day 2 which, so far, is all about recovering from Day 1. We cancelled our Tuesday engagements and have only ventured out to the store, where things got real ugly, real quick.

Me: (upon arrival, opening only Teddy's side of the van, unbuckling kids) Okay, we'll get out on Teddy's side. Sam ... Oh! Jump!
Sam: TEDDY ALMOST CLOSED THE DOOR ON ME!
Teddy: (giggling after pressing the close button when Sam was still in the car) I want a pear.
Me: (to Sam) Well, the door would have opened automatically. It would not have crushed you. It's okay. Hands, everyone! This is a parking lot! Teddy!
Teddy: (wriggling and clearly trying to get loose) I. can. walk.

I managed to get Teddy into a cart and gave strict instructions to Sam to flank me.

Me: Okay, here are the pears. I'll pick a couple and you can hold them.
Sam: (ignoring flanking instructions, karate chopping in the aisle) I want a peach!
Me: (handing Teddy a ripe pear and explaining to Sam how the peaches are not really in season and are rock hard) Careful, Teddy. Do you want to hold yours, Sam? Okay, here we go.

Seriously, not more than a few minutes later, I am pulling Sam to my side and making my wincing, shrugging apology smiles at other shoppers, saying "excuse us" at every turn.

Teddy: I need a new pear!
Me: (seeing that he has stuck his finger into the perfectly ripe flesh) Okay. You have to wait. Give me the pear.
Teddy: (yelling, distraught) I HOLD IT! I NEED A NEW ONE!
Me: (in my best stern Jedi voice) You will wait.
Sam: (from the middle of the aisle, while chopping the air and holding a pear) I. Want. To. Go.
Me: Yes, you're being sort of patient. We're almost done. I just need wine.
Elderly Gentleman: (to Sam) Excuse me, young man.
Sam: (moving aside) HE CALLED ME 'YOUNG MAN'! BWAHA-HA-HA-HA!