Spring Break!

My drunk friends are on spring break. You know what that means! Lots of drinking, carousing, and running naked. We're actually on Day 2 which, so far, is all about recovering from Day 1. We cancelled our Tuesday engagements and have only ventured out to the store, where things got real ugly, real quick.

Me: (upon arrival, opening only Teddy's side of the van, unbuckling kids) Okay, we'll get out on Teddy's side. Sam ... Oh! Jump!
Sam: TEDDY ALMOST CLOSED THE DOOR ON ME!
Teddy: (giggling after pressing the close button when Sam was still in the car) I want a pear.
Me: (to Sam) Well, the door would have opened automatically. It would not have crushed you. It's okay. Hands, everyone! This is a parking lot! Teddy!
Teddy: (wriggling and clearly trying to get loose) I. can. walk.

I managed to get Teddy into a cart and gave strict instructions to Sam to flank me.

Me: Okay, here are the pears. I'll pick a couple and you can hold them.
Sam: (ignoring flanking instructions, karate chopping in the aisle) I want a peach!
Me: (handing Teddy a ripe pear and explaining to Sam how the peaches are not really in season and are rock hard) Careful, Teddy. Do you want to hold yours, Sam? Okay, here we go.

Seriously, not more than a few minutes later, I am pulling Sam to my side and making my wincing, shrugging apology smiles at other shoppers, saying "excuse us" at every turn.

Teddy: I need a new pear!
Me: (seeing that he has stuck his finger into the perfectly ripe flesh) Okay. You have to wait. Give me the pear.
Teddy: (yelling, distraught) I HOLD IT! I NEED A NEW ONE!
Me: (in my best stern Jedi voice) You will wait.
Sam: (from the middle of the aisle, while chopping the air and holding a pear) I. Want. To. Go.
Me: Yes, you're being sort of patient. We're almost done. I just need wine.
Elderly Gentleman: (to Sam) Excuse me, young man.
Sam: (moving aside) HE CALLED ME 'YOUNG MAN'! BWAHA-HA-HA-HA!